...but I can't drop out, because THEN what would I do with my life?

I decided to post an entry so people would know that I wasn't dead and that I haven't abandoned Dethklok :P

Loves!

Lately I just haven't felt like reading or writing any kind of fanfiction. I haven't felt inspired or anything. For one thing, I go out almost every night now, and by the time I get home I'm just too tired to do anything but fall into bed. I spend my days tanning and working out and cleaning the house.

I know I'll get the writing bug back soon. I just....blah. Don't have it now. I don't even much like being on the internet much lately.

My ex's new girlfriend moved from California to be with him. She hadn't seen him in YEARS, and now they're married.

NOT EVEN two months after he had broken up with me, the girl he'd been with for two and a half years, and she marries him.

It would be hilarious if it wasn't so sad.

So earlier today I was cleaning out my closet, because, let's face it, I have NOTHING else to do and the words weren't flowing very well for Love is Brutal. Lo and behold, what do I discover buried in the very back of my closet?

The ex boyfriend's letterman jacket from high school.

*facepalm*

As I dug some more, I discovered one of his hoodies as well...and when I went to clean out my jewelry drawer, his dog tag necklace from his senior spring break was in there. I moved on to my drawer full of random stuff like hats, scarves, headbands, etc., and I found his Underoath beanie. THEN, when I was looking for my backup discs of my old harddrive, I opened my cd port and the setup disc for his wireless internet router was in there.

Now none of this stuff made me feel exceptionally emotional--I was just kinda irritated that I missed it all the first time I gathered up all his shit and told him to take it and get out, because I want every trace of him out of my life.

Now if it was just the hat and the necklace and the hoodie and the disc, I'd burn it all. Unfortunately, I have the damn letterman jacket...and even if HE doesn't want it, I'm pretty sure his mom would get pissed if I lit up his letterman.

Besides, I love his mom. She's on my side in all this. Haha.

Unfortunately his mom lives about thirty miles away and works about a hundred miles away. I never got my license and me and my friends never drive around his mom's neck of the woods ANYWAY, because seriously, they live out in the boonies.

So I guess one of these days I'm gonna suck it up and text him and tell him to come get his letterman jacket. He's got a "job" in my town now so he's here pretty much every day (Facebook makes it impossible for someone NOT to be a stalker, seriously).

But I'm pretty sure it's gonna be awhile. And until then his letterman and his hoodie and his necklace and his beanie can just stay buried in the sack on the top shelf of my closet, and the disc can stay stuck to the bottom of my blank CD stack.

I've gotta go to town with my mama in a sec...but please, someone remind me to post about my fourth of July. Because it was very, very interesting.

...that boys do nothing but lie?

I don't want to get into details, because I want to be done with this. I want him and all the SHIT that he's caused me out of my life. So here's the shortened version:

I heard that he broke up with me because he didn't love me anymore and wanted to be free to "do what guys do" whatever the hell THAT means. I didn't believe it, because it didn't jibe with the whole him crying like a pitiful little baby in front of me while he was breaking up with me.

Long story short, when I heard that I got suspicious. I checked his MySpace, saw a message he had sent to some girl that he dated a loooooooong time ago who lives in freaking CALIFORNIA, and he was calling her baby and being like oh I love you...

I confronted him about it today. When he looked me in the damn eyes and actually spoke WORDS, he said he didn't love me anymore and that he loved her.

I don't believe him for a minute. I believe that HE believes he doesn't love me anymore and loves her instead, but I also believe that he's going to figure out what a dumbass move leaving me was.

And when he does figure it out I'm not giving his ass the time of DAY.

I don't deserve to be lied to like that. He's exactly what everyone always tried to tell me he was--and him getting his life going or whatever isn't going to mean shit when he's a shitty person on the inside.

I'm done.

So, me and the boyfriend are over. Even though he doesn't WANT us to be over (so he says) and he still loves me (which I believe because he was crying just as much as I was) we're still over.

He's going to welding school in Jacksonville in December and he's going to be there for seven months. He told me that the only places for him to get a job once he's out of that school are either Mississippi or California. He broke up with me now so that when he had to leave for good he wouldn't still be hurting so badly he couldn't concentrate on his work.

I'm proud of him for finally choosing to do something with his life, for finally pursuing something, for finally deciding that he wanted to make something out of himself and be somebody. I'm so, so proud of him for that.

I just don't understand why he has to leave me behind to do it. He says he still loves me. He says that he still believes that there's no one else for him. He says that there's a chance he might not be able to stand living without me and come back.

I tried to tell him that he could wait for me to get out of Georgia Southwestern--I'll only be there for four years. I said we could try to do the long-distance thing while he's in Mississippi or wherever. He says he doesn't believe that would work. With the first option he's afraid of getting himself stuck in Georgia for the rest of his life and the second option...he says he doesn't do well with long distance, that he'd spend all his time worrying about me and he didn't want to get fired and have to come back to Georgia.

I just keep telling myself that whatever's meant to be, will be. If he really believes I'm the only one for him, like he always said...then he'll come back.

If it isn't meant to be, he won't.

But for the time being, I'm here. Alone in my house. Crying like an idiot and wondering if he's thinking about me, if he misses me, if he's fighting with himself not to text me or call me like I'm fighting with myself not to text him or call him. Sitting here getting slapped in the face with the reality that he won't be here this weekend. Getting slapped in the face by stupid memories because EVERY SINGLE THING reminds me of him, even though all his stuff is gone and I've hidden all the pictures of us.

I hate this.

Except not really, because this was more of a I'm-really-bored-but-don't-feel-like-playing-WoW thing o_0

Me loves this website: http://artpad.art.com/artpad/painter/

Here are my so called "artz!" Click the link to watch the (painstaking) process. Feel free to laugh at my failness ^_^ I totally did.

Toki and Skwisgaar Floating Heads

Angry Skwisgaar (Kinda)

NAT'ANS!

I have made up my mind to permanently engrave pretty colored ink on my skin. I'm just attempting to decide what I want and where I want it.

Most of the designs that I really like consist of many colorful stars...but they're all really big =/ And I want a relatively small tattoo that I could cover up kinda easy if I eventually get a job with an institute of higher learning that isn't partial to teachers with tats.
( Cut for pictures. )

Thanks to someone over on the WoW Ladies community, I am now desperately in love with Thrall and Jaina as a couple. This is really rare for me, since the last heterosexual couple I shipped was Inuyasha and Kagome...and even then I was pretty into the whole Inuyasha and Miroku thing as a side pairing.

But seriously...who would Thrall be gay with? King Varian Wrynn?

*cringes at the mere thought*

I'm sorry, I really don't like Wrynn. He's so lame, and Thrall is such a BAMF. I've always liked Jaina too. I would totally write Thrall x Jaina, except that I don't know near enough about the lore to make a decent fic. I probably should have played Warcraft instead of World of Warcraft.

(You know, the sad thing is, I play Alliance and I STILL think Wrynn is a total lameass. Jaina Proudmoore should be Queen or something.)


Metalocalypse needs to come out with the new season already. I don't know if I can wait until November! I'm dying for some inspiration here...I never see it anymore except on Sunday nights, and even if I owned the seasons on DVD I couldn't watch them. My DVD player makes my TV make this bizarre buzzing noise. I can't handle it.

I'm still waiting for some Nathan-dressed-as-Thrall fanart. I mean really, how badass would THAT be? And Skwisgaar as Kael'Thalas Sunstrider, of course...heh, someone could go out on a limb and make Pickles into Magni Bronzebeard. I mean the Dwarves are alcoholics, right? Although I guess Pickles would make a pretty sweet Troll too. I picture Charlie as a rogue for some reason...sneaky but deadly.

I'm gonna stop talking, because my WoW Ladies friends won't know one half of what I'm talking about and my Sausagefestival friends won't know the other half.

I should be asleep. It's five thirty in the morning. I haven't even written anything, I've just been devouring Diplomacy (the Thrall x Jaina fic) and scouring DeviantArt for Thrall x Jaina fanart. I'm so easily obsessed with the most random pairings...

Finals are over, research projects are finished, the shows have stopped playing--IT'S THE FIRST DAY OF SUMMER VACATION.

And guess how I celebrated?

By staying up until three playing World of Warcraft and then staying up another two hours after that writing Love is Brutal VIII, which is almost finished :)

I'm so glad that school is over for the summer. Well, at least until my summer biology class starts, but that won't be bad--it's from three until six every day, so I can still stay up really late and also still have time to come home and get ready to go out and party. It also doesn't even last the whole summer :D

I think I might actually start using this thing as a journal, maybe. I had an Xanga back in the day, but so did everyone at my school. We all knew way too much about each others' business. It would be nice to have a journal that no one I actually knew IRL knew about...I mean my MOM has a Facebook now for Christ's sake.

Speaking of Facebook, if any of you want to add me just message me and I'll send you my e-mail address to search.

Goodnight ^_^ Or, well, good morning...

<3

Second version wins, 11-5 :) Time to get to work!

Oh thank you LORD that it's Spring Break and I can stay up until all hours of the night and sleep late and NOT HAVE TO DO JACK SHIT.

I'm about to get to work on the next chapter of Love is Brutal :D

After I get rid of this horrendous headache...I don't know where it keeps coming from, I've had it on and off all day.

I'm writing the next prize fic! Srsly!

It's the one about Murderface and Skwisgaar...and while it's a little awkward in the beginning, I think I'm warming up to it now. I've got 677 words so far and haven't even gotten to the good stuff :)

It's kind of....angry and dangerous and very, very dubious consent, but hey. I likes it. Is kinky ^_^ (Plus I didn't know how else to write it. Murderface still eludes me as far as keeping people in-character....)

I'm so sorry it's taking me so long to put out these fanfic updates! I really, really am...I just have NO time to do ANYTHING lately. It makes me horribly depressed. I feel so guilty D:

I owe igloomy a fic, I owe a bunch of people on here fics, and I owe all of you the new chapter of Love is Brutal.

I wish I could just skip school one day and write them all It's not that I don't want to, it's that I don't have time. Like right now I'm doing this and searching for info about OCD for a research paper at the same time, just so you wouldn't all think I was dead.

I PROMISE that these fics will come into existence one day soon. As soon as I can manage it.

Not really. But, I've decided that I'm finished with LiBVII. If I add any more to it, it's not going to flow as well, and it's going to sound awkward and I'm not going to like it. So, it's just going to be one of the shorter chapters in the series =/ It's annoying me, but it doesn't feel unfinished, so I guess that's the important thing.

It's not the last chapter or anything, don't worry. I'm thinking that it'll be maybe three more after this, possibly four :)